you look divorced.

Bluem.

I need to start posting on here more.  I can’t wait until its six months from now when I write the same thing. Until then, stare at this picture for three hours straight whilst on your favorite type of hallucinogen. Mine is an almost deadly dose of Jenkem, expired jars of mayonnaise, and meth. 

Heaven.

Sweet shirt, Kurdt. Thanks for killing hair metal before you supposedly killed yourself. I wish you were still here to kill other genres that don’t deserve to be mentioned. Another shining proof that god doesn’t exist when you are six feet in the ground and your walking, breathing, bio hazard leak of a wife is still quasi functioning. All apologies.

The movie Signs and its aftershocks.

‎FACT: did you know the only male actor* with a talking part to walk away from this movie unscathed is Michael Showalter? I am convinced that strange things were afoot at this proverbial Circle K, as everyone slowly lost their fucking minds after this movie came out:

Joaquin Phoenix-Batshit Insane. Putting out a faux documentary about his rap career after supposedly “losing it.” Yo dude, this shit only worked before the internet/paparazzi/gossip mags. Andy Kaufman also pulled this stunt years ago to much success, let sleeping dogs lie. 

Mel Gibson-Already told the world he hated Jews a few years back. Now leaves his distaste for other minorities on his ex lovers voicemail. Oh Melvin, you so crazy. Not to mention the fact that you still owe me my admission to “Passion of the Christ.” If I wanted to watch a two hour steel cage Wrestlemania match, I would have ordered it on pay per view. Dick. 

M. Night Showerama Pingpong - See above chart. First three mainstream movies were absolute bangers. Sixth Sense was killer, Unbreakable was his masterpiece, and Signs is awesome. I even dug parts of the Village. Everything since has been just wretched. Couldn’t get through “Lady in the Water”, “The Happening” was one of the top ten worst movies I have ever seen (followed closely by Vanilla Sky), and I put a Megan’s Law-esque restraining order on “The Last Airbender.” 

Rory Culkin-I couldn’t find any dirt on this lil shit but lets face it, he’s related to Macualay so you know the wiring isn’t up to snuff. 

The knight in shining armor out of all of this is Michael Showalter. A wonderful man (no, not the title of the Michael Ian Black comedy album.) Has since starred in a plethora of films including his own delightful comedic romp “The Baxter” and the hit show “Stella.” His role as the town dick in “Signs” may have been miniscule, but hats off to you for keeping it real when others on the set of a prime movie lost all semblance of reality. 

*There was an army recruiter in “Signs” but he hasn’t done much since, so fuck you Ted Sutton. Ruining my theory. Let’s just pretend you woke up in rehab dressed as a woman.

Mumford Clothing project

Recently I started working for IndieMerch running their blog and various other awesome jams. 

check it out:

www.blog.indiemerch.com

IndieMerch also recently launched the incredible new line from artist Dan Mumford aptly titled “Mumford.” He is best known for his cover art for A Day to Remembers “Homesick” and pretty much every Black Dahlia Murder shirt ever. The dude is an incredible artist and a great guy and can’t wait to see what he comes up with next. 

I had the honor and privilege to come up with the story line for the shirts in a vague yet linear manner. The designs speak for themselves but the descriptions add a bit of flavor to the whole project.  Besides hunting homeless people for sport, writing is my bread and butter so I was all about this.

Check it out below and be sure to lurk the store:

www.indiemerchstore.com/mumford

www.mumfordclothing.com

I. Prologue

Through the thickness of the trees, a palatial chateau appears. Beyond mortal comprehension, she enters.

II. Omen

The key on her chest begins to illuminate as she steps through the door.  A haunting wind to signal evil takes over the room. 

III. Rites

The passage from this life into the next can be problematic at best. The opalescent glow of the death altar forewarns of complication.

IV. Ceremony

The throne, littered with skulls of the priesthood collective, illuminates the cimmerian heretic with powers from beyond.

Fully enveloped in pure concentrated evil, the priest moves toward his victim with strategic vigor, avoiding direct contact with the key’s shining inanimate prowess. 

The ritual is nearly complete.  Seances from a dead language fill the room as a subtle incision is made. Her body beings to take on a spiritual transformation. 

The key bursts from her chest like a phoenix to signal the true demonic despot.  He emerges from the keep as flames circle the priest. The demons dogs tear his false flesh from his false bones. 

VIII. Epilogue

She is the true claviger of the dark throne.  Cradling the priests skull between her hands as a trophy, the surrounding flames are welcomed. She is home.